I might be a Mary Sue...

Time is like watching a movie. As you sit there minding your own business, things just happen. Of course if you're watching it at home, and it's on a DVD or (gasp) video, then you can pause it and things stop happening until you start it up again. Time doesn't have one of those pause buttons. At least that's the official story.

One of the things that's becoming clear to me as I traipse through this stupid world, is that it's pretty fricking stupid. Though the thing that's even more clear is that I myself, am awesome. I know lots of people say they're awesome, and they tend to turn out as pretty damn lame, BUT TRUST ME I'm awesome.

I've noticed over time that while yeah, I'm pretty shy/reserved for the most part, some people just become drawn to me. I don't mean that OHTHEYWANTMYBODY (cause not even I want that), but they just want to talk to me. I'm gonna completely and utterly disagree with what I just said: The world is pretty fricking smart.

No, not that thing. Sometimes, I don't think I'm awesome (or at least, special)

It's not that I think poorly of myself - it's just that I don't see the things I do as anything out of the ordinary. It's probably why I get frustrated with some people like I do, cause I think if I'm capable of it, then anyone should be. I also know there's things I can't do, so I'm amazed by people that can do them. It's like, conversation. I can do it. I'm not brilliant at it, but I genuinely talk to people and if their competency level at actually doing... stuff... isn't going to cause me any issues, then I try my best to be friendly and listen, maybe engage them a little.

A recurring pattern I've found is that I'm a sincere genuine person. This is a problem. It is a problem because I go around life expecting everyone else is naturally like that, or that they should be. Though they're not. It also means that on occasion, when someone is generally drawn to that sincere way of mine - it freaks me out. My thoughts start going "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, OH GOD, I'M GOING TO FRICKING DIE". I never do, but I think I do."

So, something like this happened yesterday. For the first time, in 7-8 years, someone actually approached me in a bar. So I'm talking, doing my best to make them feel comfortable (cause they seemed nervous), and asked if i'd like to be friends.

Actually, it kind of reinforces a self-believed tragedy. I'm too awesome, hence it's best to be friends with me, cause the alternative is not having me around at all. It's happened before (at least it seems like it), and it's infinitely frustrating - like that jar of roasted capsicums I could never get open and eventually just gave away. No, it's no olive theory, but it's a start (plus that was a load of crap). Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I was a jerk. I tried it once, for like 30 seconds. I hated it, and quickly reverted to being myself.

Can't deny my awesomeness. I'm the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being you've ever known in your life.

Aside: The example labels for the posts in blogger say stuff like "scooters, vacation, fall." In my mind, the next is 'cliff'!

Sobriety, tact, and... no, I'm not buying it either

Time is like... gone. I should have known this might happen. Somehow it's now a month since I last blogged, and that last was barely much at all. Like, what the heck? So to recap the amazing month I had might be difficult, but here goes.

I got sick.

Yeah, amazing story right? It pretty much killed the creative part of my brain for that whole period of ohgodkillmenow, where I successively had a blocked nose, bleeding nose, runny nose, blocked ear, runny... ear??, dry cough, wet cough, internal-bruising cough, smokers cough (and I don't smoke), headaches, chest pains, arm pain, sore throat, dehydration, itches, scratches, boredom, and pity. In hindsight, I should've seen a doctor.

Well, it's not the extent of EVERYTHING but a huge piece of it. I actually went a week without using my lappy. I also gave up coffee at around the same time, so it's plausible my body said "You can't do this to me-RAWR I MAEK U SICK!!" I think it's forgiven me now.

It went on way longer than it should've, and it's only this week that i've really gotten past it.

I've still been living life- you know, going to work, paying bills, sleeping. Cause I'm a good boy.

^_^

So Friday night I got totally drunk and had an awesome night, unexpectedly. When I finally returned to sober, inhibited thought, I found that I had brought back a little of dream-me/drunk-me. Earlier this week I'd started writing again, something new. I said that just having all the pieces and knowing what the end result should be isn't enough to make the puzzle for you- and it was about how deep down I'm pretty shy, but deeper down I'm not. Deeper again I'm a time-travelling dinosaur named Freckles, but that's another story.

So through getting that drunk, I learned some things about myself. I can be cocky/forward. I still won't succumb to peer pressure on something like smoking. If I'm going all out here, I'd even say while I'm happy with who I am, and I feel like I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy, I'd still like it to happen. If that means I have to keep having my own 'Pineapple Incident' time and again until I can be all the me I'm meant to, where I say stupid things to girls, then so be it. I mean, I'm saying stupid things to everybody else, may as well be consistent.