Breathe

There's days where I think the world is all sunshine and roses; the kind where a walk in the pouring rain can't convince me things aren't bright and bubbly. There's days where I'm sure something bad is going to happen, or at least, that nothing good will. They're crushing days, but I've seen some rough ones over the years.

Then there's days like today.

I'm exhausted - seriously so, but it isn't just that weariness. I feel numb.

It's something that comes and goes with me, but I can't help but see the futility of what I do. I can paddle up or down, but I'll never change the course of the river I'm floating on. If I'm confident or scattered, it doesn't seem to make a difference. If I try or don't, I always end up somewhere in between, as though any choice is just an illusion. It doesn't help being right so often, though it'd be nice if it was about the good things too.

If I feel like something bad's going to happen, I invariably fall flat on my face. If I'm sure that things might be different, that maybe things might start going my way because I'm feeling particularly optimistic that day... I fall flat on my face. The only time I'm ever right about good things, is when I change my mind later and learn in hindsight that I was actually on to something. Sometimes I'll feel like I ought to do something, like it's predestined for me to try, and I'll choose not to - I'll purposely self-sabotage, because sometimes I can't stand the futility of it. At those times, I'll have a cold feeling wash over me, lying somewhere beneath my skin. It's like standing in front of an open freezer, yet when I touch my skin, it isn't cold at all.

That feeling of wrongness is there with me today. Maybe because I'm writing this. Maybe just getting out of bed this morning was the wrong thing to do.

Usually when I get this feeling, I panic. I scramble together to do the things it feels I'm supposed to, trying to catch up to the destiny of a minute ago. Ordinarily I would, but I'm so mentally exhausted.

A lot of it is surely the pressure I'm putting on myself. I need to make changes, but due to my situation it feels like my buffer for mistakes is non-existent. If I make a wrong choice now, there could be no coming back from it. Given time I'm sure I can make the changes I need, but it feels like there's a huge lack of it... time... also. Please cross your fingers on my behalf.